Parents taught them to be honest. They wanted their teens to trust them. Teens are about to test their parents' sincerity.
Gay, lesbian, and bisexual teens think long and hard before they "come out" to their parents. They are not sure what to expect, and many believe they risk the loss of their parents' love. For some, the risk is very real. According to important recent research by Dr. Caitlin Ryan of San Francisco State University, the way parents respond to the news can shape the outcome of their children's lives. Parents who want to protect their gay and lesbian teenagers from suicide, depression, drug use, and HIV infection should pay close attention.
Coming Out
These days, children are discovering their gay, lesbian, and bisexual identities at younger ages than ever before. Many recognize their interest in same-sex partners while as young as ten or eleven years old. By the age of fourteen, most gay and lesbian teens have come to terms with their homosexual identities. Many opt to keep their secrets, but others confide in friends and family.
The news is not easy for parents to hear. Most assume that homosexuality makes life more difficult – and that assumption is not necessarily incorrect, especially for children in middle or high school. Parents usually want their children to be happy, and so, out of love, they do their best to "discourage" a homosexual lifestyle. In doing so, though, they often put their children at significantly greater risk. When children believe their parents cannot accept who they are, the people they love most – their parents – have failed them. More than anything, gay, lesbian, and bisexual teens need acceptance.
How Parents Hurt Their Gay and Lesbian Children
Ryan examined 108 specific parental behaviors to discover which had measurable effects on the lives of their gay, lesbian, and bisexual children. Leading the list of harmful behaviors were:
- physical and verbal abuse related to the child's sexual identity.
- ridicule of the child's gender expression.
- blaming the victim – asking how the child "provoked" harassment or bullying.
- blocking the child's access to other gay and lesbian teens, and to LGBT resources and information.
- excluding the child from family gatherings, events and activities.
Interestingly, all of these are roughly equivalent in their negative impact: excluding the teen from family events is just as harmful as physical abuse. Equally damaging is parental denial. Parents who insist that children's sexual identities are "just a phase," try to discourage their self-expression, or try to force them to "behave heterosexually" do great harm.
Helping Gay and Lesbian Teens Build Happier Lives
Far too many parents continue to believe that gays, lesbians, and bisexuals can never find real happiness and fulfillment. That belief is wrong – and as social acceptance of homosexuality continues to grow, there are fewer and fewer obstacles preventing gays, lesbians, and bisexuals from leading successful and satisfying lives. Parents are most helpful when they:
- believe in their children's happy futures.
- overcome any embarrassment or shame, and accept and support their children's gender expression.
- welcome their children's LGBT friends into their homes.
- help their children connect with positive LGBT role models.
- actively advocate for their children when they face discrimination.
Parents also will find it helpful to connect with local LGBT support groups, where they can meet with others like themselves, and get expert advice in helping their children deal with the kinds of challenges they will encounter at school or in their neighborhoods. For more information about Caitlin Ryan's research and its applications, visit the website of the Family Acceptance Project.
